What if, and bear with me here, what if ADHD was a coping mechanism for the lack of object permanence?
I don't know about you, Nicole journaled, but what if we leaned into the jumping from thing to another rapidly?'
She paused, waiting for the right words, then kept typing.
'You know how I can get spacy and sometimes seem to have little or no short term memory? Well - what if the distractions are a chain of events that get me to where I need to be?
'Say I am trying to brush my teeth more because I'm scared I have gingivitis and think that without doing any research at all, the best way to deal with this is to brush my teeth and gums more frequently - so I commit to bushing them every time I have to pee.
'Well, when I was thinking about how much of a mess there still was and how much was left to do - I corrected myself and took a moment to focus on what I had done.
'I had gotten the towels washed, and thrown his clothes in that same load. I didn't have the energy to fold and put away, but I did put them someplace logical and within easy reach, which is exactly what we needed.
'While thinking about the laundry I was reminded of my duvet in the dryer, and that I wanted to put it on for another turn to ensure it was not only nice and dry, but comfy cozy when I went to snuggle with it for bed.
'So I go to the basement to turn the dryer on, remember that I have to pee and this is perfect because then I'm peeing in my bathroom where my toothbrush is so I can cure my gingivitis!
'Now if I hadn't taken a moment just to sit and savour the time with the dogs, I might have gotten stressed and started panic cleaning, likely overwhelming me, keeping me up late, and making me tense and all expectant about tomorrow.
'This way, I can relax, have a snuggly night, be happy with my choices and actions, and just be happy overall. Not crampy and cranky and stressed and exhausted.'
Nicole paused trying to think of a more simple way to explain what she was feeling. Then, sighing, she realized it matter because who would she share it with? Her idea that there was more to ADHD than they thought, that while part of her brain might disengage and be in the flow, that doesnt mean that it didnt provide a fail-safe or intuitive crumbs to help get to the same goal.
Like her brain knew that it would behave this way, so to ensure that she was able to function, her brain developed a coping mechanism. And all she had to do was trust it.
See, Nicole was someone who things always worked out for, she trusted that it was all worth it, that whatever she was going through would be directly related to getting her through something. But.... she was also anxious and overthought pretty much everything because at times her self doubt would go soaring and she would spend so much time thinking things through too much or not thinking things through enough - she was never sure which it was - that she didn't trust her gut.
When she was relaxed and got out of her own way - it really was okay. Her gut rarely led her astray, and more of then than not, she had the confidence that this was the right thing to do - like if she could go back in time and re-do a situation, this is what she should have done type of confidence.
Nicole was starting to come to terms with the paradox of her asking for something in exchange for her help.
It appeared she already had, and her reality, the one that she herself lived in, that was the reality that go the do-overs. She was living her best life.
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