Two out of ten. That's what Nicole would have given herself for her score of how well she did in that moment - even with a re-do.
What do you mean, with a re-do?
Nicole tried to put into words how it felt when she was living a moment while experiencing deja vu of that same time - like she'd been there before, experienced this before, but she couldnt 'see' any farther than the moment she was in. It was like she had the option for a re-do, but with only the faintest recollection that this was a re-do. Does that make any sense?
Of course not. Her inner thought never made sense to anyone and trying to explain things normally resulted in people looking at her like she was crazy, or giving the 'can you believe this chick?' looks to the others in the group.
This didn't stop her from trying to tangibly think through her thoughts as if she was trying to explain them to someone else though. It helped her work through whatever she was going through - like how once you learn something, it reinforces the knowledge if you then teach it to someone else.
Going through her thoughts like she would have to explain them to someone else helped her see patterns, connections - and gave her the sense of security that she wasn't crazy and whilst her process may be unorthodox, that didn't make it or her wrong.
Getting back to the moment that she lived more than once simultaneously - Nicole noted that there was something different about this one. "Normally" and that is in quotations because what the hell was normal about living moments multiple times at the same time? "Normally" Nicole knew what the 'optimal' choice would be - the best way to phrase something, the perfect timing for a witty pun, when to speak up instead of letting something slide because she didn't want to ruffle feathers.
This time all that she knew was that she wasn't doing great; this moment was hardly a fraction better than it was originally - and it was still pretty shiddy. Not only that, but she couldn't see what 'optimal' was - just that this wasn't it (far cry from it).
The perfectionist in her was dying.
Or was she?
Oh dear. Nicole was up in her head, spiraling, trying to make sense of something that didn't fit what was expected.
That was kinda the key, wasn't it? 'expected'
Just thinking of the word brought a sour taste into her mouth. As she pursed her lips in disgust, a lightbulb started to glow.
What if that was it?
What if!
What if the reason she didn't know what 'optimal' was, was because she wasn't playing a role, fitting into a box, trying to be who she thought others expected and wanted her to be? What if she didn't know what was 'optimal' because she didn't know how to act in that situation in a way that was true to who she was.
Nicole nearly fell out of her chair - she had been grounding her bare feet on the cool laminate flooring, resting her head in her hands, hair draping forward obscuring her view of the cozy eat-in kitchen with the dated cabinets and quirky finishings.
She 'knew' how to play a part, to do what was expected, or rather - had known. That wasn't her life anymore,and never wanted to go back.
Also, the point seems to have been lost somewhere, so let's backtrack and try and clear things up.
Key facts:
Nicole was not crazy (she kept that at the top of her list, praying that seeing it and writing it and reading it and thinking it helped make it true)
Nicole sometimes lived moments more than once, at the same time, allowing for split second changes
This wasn't the first time she had felt like that, but -
this time she felt like something was 'off' - like she wasn't able to fully get the benefit of the re-do. Like she had the answer key to a test in her hand but only rarely referenced it and thus only did slightly better than she would have without it at all.
Okay - now that all made sense to her. She was off her rocker.
Nicole drummed her fingers on the worn, wobbly, wooden table, absentmindedly noticing the rice that hadn't been wiped up after dinner, or the slime that now had a permanent home in the split where the table would extend so leafs could be put in.
This was another thing that she knew to be true about herself - she was almost engaging in toxic positivity. Almost being because she wanted to give herself some wiggle room, some grace & compassion and not be too hard on herself. Almost.
Some called it a good thing, that Nicole could find the silver lining in anything, but for Nicole (at times) it felt like each of those was a layer of fraud on someone who was already an imposter. Each moment going undiscovered being another opportunity to lay things on even thicker, so when discovered, it was irrefutable that she was a fraud.
This nearly brings things full circle - Nicole felt like the re-do was only a two out of ten in terms of the potential to make things better. And that she didnt know what 'optimal' was because she was finally working on being her instead of someone else's vision, and it had been so long (had it ever happened) since she had done that, that Nicole was well and truly lost.
She couldn't keep thinking herself in circles like this, so with a sign, Nicole stood, stretched her long arms nearly to the ceiling, grabbed her phone and headed to bed for some doom scrolling before sleep, extinguishing the lights as she went.
Perfect. Nicole was perfect. She was in hear head, had gone though so many different possibilities - she was susceptible.
The team gathered close, ready to launch/edit content on whatever platform Nicole chose. Be it memes and compilation pages on facebook or ads and 'you might also like' on tabs already open, or - they all mentally crossed their fingers that she would pick TikTok. Late at night she was already used to her FYP being random and unlike the content she consumed during the day so it was the perfect time to tend to the seed they had planted.
Nicole thinking that she was living moments more than once at the exact same time - that was proof the seed had taken and was starting to root.
This was the slow play - much like bamboo doesn't look like it is doing much above the surface for the first few years, but is growing a massive root system below - this seed might not seem like it was growing at all. But it was. Oh was it ever.
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