She was an imposter. A fraud. She did NOT belong, How could she? This wasn't her - she grew up in a house that made it impossible not to spend time together or know what everyone was up to. And since being inside was ... wel.. it was cozy... but it also meant that she was one of those kids that had spent her childhood outside, not coming home until the street lights came on. If she had to pee, fine, but most times they just popped into whoever's house was closest and then everyone got back outside. The forest that was in the middle of the block was their favourite hangout - home to endless games of cops and robbers and the multitude of variations they came up with. She had never been in gymnastics or anything fancy like that - but could walk a fallen log just like a balance beam. She was covered in freckles and scars from being outside, playing, her imagination well developed and utilized - you could only play the same game so many times without getting bored, so she was always coming up with variations.
Nicole longed for that simplicity now that she was an adult. She wanted to have a small house (cleaning had never been her strong suit), one where they could be a real family - close, like she had been with her mom. She wanted outdoor adventures and watermelon seed fights. She didn't want complicated or fancy.
Or, hadn't.
In fact, growing up, her mom would comment 'I can't believe that bag is so expensive! it's so ugly! Who would waste their money like that?' and 'she has so much makeup on, feels like you're talking to a cartoon character' and 'cant see her face that lipstick is so bright'. Nicole adored her mom - she was her hero. Even before her parents had split and it was her and her mom and brother full time, Nicole loved her mom. Loved spending time with her, reading with her, playing cribbage and backgammon (her mom said that she taught Nicole cribbage to teach her to count). Her face was full of laugh lines from a smile so genuine you could feel its warmth from a block away.
Nicole's love of reading came from sitting on the couch with her mom, the early morning sun coming in through the bay window, the smell of coffee rising for her mom's mug, and something hot and sugary from hers, their feet resting in the middle of the couch as they leaned up against their respective arms, book in hand.
The longer she sat and read with her mom, the less time she would have to put in cleaning her room (she hated doing that) or playing with her brother (he was 2 years older, and unless they were in one of their modes where they were best friends, he was horrible to her, in the way that big brothers can be).
Simple things.
When Nicole got older, she started to view simple things as a choice (her way of dealing with her mother's ingrained defensive disdain of wealth). Why Would she choose something that expensive? That was ridiculous. No. She would never do that. Instead she would get a perfectly good bic pen, and donate the other $300 to charity. No one needed a pen that expensive. And bags? yup, ugly. Plus, she would be so scared of scratching it or damaging it, she didn't think she could ever use anything like that. Nt that she was against quality - in fact, Nicole needed something that could stand up to the gauntlet she put her belongings through. A gauntlet that would render any designer bag worthless, thus why would she waste her money?
Sure, it was fun to read about, fun to imagine, but even as a child, when she visited show homes with her mom, Nicole didn't like how far apart everyone would be if they lived there. Sure, the custom built corner desk tipped the scales, but not quite enough. She didn't want a home where they wouldnt feel like a family - where there was so much space you could go days without seeing each other.
And a car? Hardly thought of them growing up, even as a teenager. The most she thought was 'wow! look at her! Thats a LOT of windshield washer fluid to be using!'rather than focusing on how much nicer or newer the cars were compared to the single, fastidiously clean, family car they had.
Nicole could recognize luxury car badges, but never envisioned herself owning one - what would be the point? No, if she ever had money, she'd rather have a regular house and car, and a big bank account so they never had to worry about bills and could buy as much juice as they wanted instead of only occasionally.
That was who she was. An imaginative, simple person who loved her family and wanted to give her kids the same love that she had growing up, just with mitigated struggles (she could make her son be nicer to his little sister than her brother was to her, right?).
Nicole continued to think back, losing the present moment. Her thoughts swirled through her mind, this time settling on how she struggled to fit in, trying so hard that everyone could see that she was trying too hard, and so she 'ran', trying to give herself a fresh start so she could try again, building on what she had learned previously.
This doesn't make a lot of sense, so let's get into an example.
Nicole was a smart kid - full credit goes to her mother for getting her into reading and cribbage and strategy games and always allowing her to be more than a kid, if thats what she wanted.
She loved finding out about things, learning something new - and wanted to know ALLLLLLL about it. She had SO MANY QUESTIONS. In fact, she had so many questions that her fourth grade teacher limited her to two questions a day.
She didn't really fit in with the other kids, prefering to read a book at recess instead of playing 'kiss the boys' or some other inane game. Anne of Green Gables got her through third grade.
She changed schools for grade 5 and 6, and then for grade 7, she didn't go to the same junior high her elementary fed into, thus gaining some distance from the kids in her cohort. Same went for highschool, and then university. Nicole struggled to figure out how to fit in, how to not be a loner or only have books as friends. And that wasn't exactly true - she did have friends, just not many. And none of them were 'popular'.
Looking back, Nicole didn't want to be popular, she just wanted the trappings that went along with it - the way they seemed to get away with anything, never had to struggle to find a partner or a group for a project, the way the admiration of their peers led to the loudest applause and thus bumped up their grade, despite their mediocre content. Nicole wanted things to be that easy too. So she tried.
She tried to do things her way - but apparently one does not wear a skirt of the first day of junior high, one wears jeans and a tank. That also meant that almost everything she had begged her mother to buy for back to school was a no-go, and she had nothing to wear that would fit in with the other kids.
Great.
Fitting in - the first step was looking the part, and she clearly failed that.
The clothes that she was comfortable in, that she didn't notice because she was able to focus on whatever it was she was doing - those clothes weren't 'in' or whatever. So everytime she tried to put on an outfit that would make her fit in, she felt like she was putting on a costume. Putting on a costume, and eventually as she started wearing makeup - a mask. Clearly, she had to hide and change and cover up all the parts of her that were real in order to fit in.
Or at least, not stand out.
Standing out was something that never worked out for her, yet because she was just that much taller than average, always seemed to happen. The other girls could wear cute heels to school and look chic. She wore heels and looked like a teen playing at being an adult, standing a head above most of the guys even.
Nicole wasn't quirky enough to fit in with the quirky crowd, not smart enough to fit in with the cool nerds, not geeky enough for the awkward nerds, and lets not even talk about athletics. In no world was she going to be on a team that you had to try out for (what if she failed?!?), let alone actually perform or be notable.
She had lived her life on the fringe, wanting to be accepted, but never feeling like who she was or what she was 'right' or would fit in.
But she was okay with that - mostly. Nicole was an adult now, with a husband and kids of her own - and that was a win, wasn't it?
She was a fraud. It was either that, or there was something wrong with her. Scratch that - replace the or with and. She was a fraud AND there was something wrong with her. This was not new news.
As had become an unconscious habit by this point in her life, as she came back to the present moment, Nicole shifted her focus on how she could at least appear as though she belonged.
That was almost her hobby, but one she would never admit to - was trying to figure out how to belong, to blend in, and still be a good person.
Nearly obsessively she read 'what ______[profession] think about you behind your backs' and 'true signs of _____' type articles from all the pop-news sites, read the books about those that had changed social status in their life (romanticized, of course), and tried to make sure she had the 'signs that you've made it' items and especially behaviours down pat.
If she was going to be an imposter - she was going to do a damn good job of it.
Not exactly healthy thoughts.
She was easily swayed. The crowded bar had become slightly less dank, but the volume of people placing bets and bidding/betting on her actions was still not a small number.
The crowd was full of people she had gone to school with, some as far back as elementary - but those had trickled out over the years, replaced with those from highschool and university, and even the characters from her favourite movies and shows. What would they do? What did they want or expect her to do?
This had nothing to do with what Nicole actually wanted - in fact that voice couldnt be heard above the din. SO much so that it might as well as not have existed. But it is important to note that it was still there.
Nicole's life was seen through a big screen - like the main screen at a sports bar, with the smaller screens taken up by her thoughts and imaginations. At some points, the bid to take over part of those was so low that it became worthless and those in the crowd made choices (brought thoughts into her mind) just to mess with her. The thoughts wouldnt stick, but Nicole wasn't strong enough to filter them out.
WHen she did, the buy-in was much higher, with less of a guarantee.
They laughed at her expense as they suggested that she....
.... that wasn't her. On the upside, she now knew that, and it would be harder for someone to make her do that again. She didn't know that part though - not yet. But when she did it would take years for it all to make sense.
What was her roommate's favourite artist? Eminem? Well, this bubblegum pop princess decided to learn all the words to 8 Mile, just so she had that in the back of her mind that they could both do that, when they hung out together, even being able to change the music in her car and sing along with it (if you can sing along, or rap along, you're not an imposter, right?)
Nicole never stopped to think that she might have that kind of influence over others as well. THEY were the cool ones, THEY were the ones that had everything figured out and going on. She considered herself lucky if she got to hang with them, never thinking that they might think that she had everything figured out and clearly knew what she was doing.
Nope. Never. Not once.
Not even when she was on a road trip back to school with a friend, and they spent time test driving a pickup (a manual) while they waited for their ride because her friend's car had broken down and was a write off. And not when her friend then went on to buy a new car - a manual - that she couldnt even drive, because of that experience. Nicole was clueless. She had to teach her friend how to drive her new car, yet it never occurred to her that she had picked this car because she thought Nicole was cool and Nicole could drive a stick shift and she wanted to be like her, so she bought a stick shift.
So smart, and yet in some ways, so dumb.
Nicole was clueless. She had no idea why she kept making these choices, doing these things that were silly or foolish or even downright stupid. She was better than that. Why couldnt' she act like it?
The bar held their breath. If she metaphorically threw her hands up in helplessness, prices would stay the same or drop, but if Nicole resolved to be better, the increase would be stark. Which was it going to be?
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