Starting at 24 because the last one published is #23 and I know I’ve written more, but thankfully I never said that I would write in order.
This is called Hope Guides Me
I’ve mis remembered the order of the phrasing, but the re-ordered version is playing in my head.
Original, but in the order I’m seeing them:
‘Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you.’
‘I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.’
‘It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you’
‘I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there.’
And adapted to my situation:
Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you’re gone, it will not be the last time I see you. Because I miss you. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. I know we haven’t been together in weeks, we’ve had shifts and days off, but no time together.
I’m going to see your mom in Smoky on Saturday, but will find it empty and in the winter if I have not seen or heard from you.
You always told me to look at your actions - to see what you were showing me. How you texted me every morning, without fail, unless we were together. How you showed me with your words and your actions that you thought I was beautiful, and that you love me. You show me love in all the ways that matter most. So I am trusting that love to be as real as you made me believe it could ever be.
I am trusting that the love that we have - that love is stronger than anything. Stronger than a fight. Stronger than a few days of no connection. Stronger because it’s more.
I didn’t think I was secure enough in our relationship to be able to handle the silence - it was killing me. Still is, but less painfully. It’s tempered with hope and trust.
Hope - the hope that guides me - is the hope that you’ve been having phone issues, or have been crazy busy dealing with one thing or another and know that we need to talk but anytime you’re free it’s some crazy hour and you don’t want to interrupt my sleep so you don’t call. And when I call it’s just not a good time.
It’s the hope that, and the trust that you’ve tried to text me back but theres an issue either with the network or your phone - maybe your messages are being shown as read and mine arent making it through and you think I’m ignoring you? Or … any of the rom com miscommunication tropes that would be easily sorted with direct communication.
I’m struggling with the silence. It’s killing me. But I have to trust and hope that this is for a reason and you are not being malicious. You love me, and I trust that you would never do anything to cause me pain, so whatever is causing the silence - I hope you’re okay.
I was going to drive up today (an angel gifted me with some gas money), drop some jars that I got off for your mom, use it as an excuse to see you. But then I got scared. Scared that you wouldnt be there. Scared that you wouldnt want to talk to me. Scared that you would push me away. I got too scared to fight, to put my trust into action.
I got scared that maybe I was wrong, that maybe this wasn’t the love that I thought it was, believed it was. Because as much as I love you and trust you I am not without my own pain, history, trauma… and I am scared that I might find out that the love that I thought I had wasn’t real at all. So instead of finding out directly, driving up and getting answers, I cowered in my bed.
And then, for all of the places my brain had to run, eventually it had to run to a good one. Not a disaster scenario where everything is as wrong and as horrible as I could ever fear, but rather where it’s not. Where, if this was a movie, the mash up of scenes between her and him being unable to connect would be comic relief - such that when they get together and everything works out, they have a laugh at it, and realize it was actually that miscommunication that let them have the tools that they needed to sort through it in the first place - and now they are better equipped for the future!
A spiraling brain isn’t always a bad thing - it can spiral to good places. To hope.
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