I'm writing from bed tonight - I'm exhausted and can't wait for sleep, so this is my compromise to make sure that I'm getting my writing in. Also, the time lapse tiktok - my dog is what I'm leaning my phone up against because you gotta work with what you got.
I can tell that I am tired and am not feeling creative. I have a bit in my head that I wanted to add to what I wrote yesterday, but beyond that - my head is full of my to-do list.
Laundry, dishes, finish stringing the lights on the tree, address Christmas cards.... clean off the 'dump chair of doom' in my room....
My to-do list is taking up all my mental space. So, again, this is reinforcing that I should not wait until just before bed to write. Part of me feels guilty though - there is so much stuff that needs to get done, and to st and write instead of making sure the dishes are done or the laundry makes it out of the dryer? It feels like I'm lazing around, being selfish to spend the time writing instead of being up and busy with everything else that needs to be done.
Maybe that's why I keep putting it off - the time before bed is a write off - thats the doom scrolling sleep procrastination time when nothing productive got done anyways, so it's not like I'm shirking.
(Hmmmm.... shall make note of this to bring up with therapist)
One other thing to note - I very nearly let myself off the hook tonight - wrote the preamble and the blurb that I wanted to add to yesterday and called it a night. But all of that only took 8 minutes. I've missed days, haven't been writing at my best - and I know that if I keep allowing myself to flake, this whole project will go nowhere - and I'm not here for that.
I'm here to be real about what it's like to try and write, to build a new habit, and to share the journey of what it's like to try and write/publish a book.
I've been wanting to do this for so many years and now that I finally am - I don't want to let it slip until it's just another thing that I started and didn't go anywhere with. ADHD has given me enough of those, thanks.
So I'm going to press through, and even if what I write is crap, that's okay. You can't edit a blank page, and who knows - maybe somewhere in the rambling something will come up.
***
Nicole's internal wish list wasn't born out of being unsatisfied with everything. Her wish list, the one she didn't know she was making, was also 'yes, I like this, more of this please'. And so, the fact that he loved to cuddle and read (!) and could cook - those were all things that she loved and wanted to keep in her life.
***
The world was caving in, each rock, pebble, or grain of sand another something she had to get done. Not that any of the individual items were that big of a deal, but the entirety was far too much altogether. So, she avoided it.
Instead, Nicole let her thoughts wander and wonder about how things have to line up just so and how one small change can make a huge impact. Now, Nicole's thoughts can be a lot - she's got far too many tabs open and at least three of them are playing music - all competing with the full sensory movie that periodically takes over - so allow a simple example.
[insert example]
***
[I can tell that I really can't focus because everything I'm trying to write is very disjointed and there isn't anything close to a scene or a plot in anything. But that's okay because at least I'm writing.]
Okie dokie. It's now been a whole 14mins and I still have nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch. So, amd going to use this time to have a bit of a freewrite, in the spirit of actually writing and not just sitting while the cursor flashes in judgment at my lack of progress.
***
Nicole's Universe.
We head a lot about 'main character energy' and 'be your own leading lady' but have you ever thought that the entire universe you live in/occupy is unique to you?
Think about it like this - a few years back Dove did an ad segment as part of its Campaign for Real Beauty that had women describe themselves to a sketch artist, and someone else describe them - the pictures were almost unrecognizable as being of the same person. The way we view ourselves is not the way others view us.
Another example is how two people can have the same meal but very different experiences. Those experiences are informed by what is going on in their lives, their histories... That is what makes up their world.
So, in your world - the image that you have of others, and the imagined image that you think they have of you - that is unique to you.
In this world that is unique to you - something something something.
The world that is unique to you is not static. As you learn and grow so does your world. When you meet new people or have a new experience, when you travel someplace new or learn something that you didn't even know was a thing before - your world has now changed.
Your world has changed in a way that no one else's has.
Ever have a memory or a conversation that changes how you feel about the past? Nicole had. [dinner theater convo example?]
For whatever reason, it was Nicole's life, Nicole's world that mattered. She was not insignificant and her impact was more than she knew.
This was what she struggled with, laying awake at night, trying to comprehend WTF had just happened.
In the moment, when the barrier was broken and the situation laid out for her, Nicole shifted gears and became intensely pragmatic. What needed to be done? What [OOOF! My dog just farted and omg. what a way to throw off my train of thought!]
What were the logistics?
This was something that was familiar to Nicole. She may not fully understand, or understand to her comfort level - she never really did (Nicole was not dumb, in fact, it was just the opposite. She was bright and witty and a highly creative thinker. Her thoughts were seldom linear, the connections made in her mind looked more like a pinball bouncing around than a direct path from A to B. Most people didn't have the patience to stay with her as she sought to connect the dots and find the logic and order and sense out of the mayhem. In fact, so far no one had, so she was used to acting first and understanding later. She did it to make those around her more comfortable, and to not be a burden that is holding everything up.)
Pragmatically, Nicole needed to know - what this was, how was it going to work, how would she know when something was a sign and not just something she thought might be one...
Starting with the immediate, she focused on what the short term goal was, trusted that it was part of the bigger picture, that it will all work out in the end, and set about understanding what the first steps were.
So that was all taken care of. Blind faith and an unwavering belief that everything that happens, happens for a reason, we just don't know it yet - that was what got Nicole through that first time.
But now, laying awake, her brain had decided that while sleep seemed like the best idea five minutes ago before she got into bed, now that she was all tucked up, snuggled and warm and comfy - it would be the perfect time to take a dive into the why, thus ensuring that sleep was held at bay until her mind had no choice but to surrender.
***
I did it! Even went over the 30mins by a bit! Getting started truly is the hardest part.
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